communicate with the relevant people
Communication is one of the most important things for maintaining a relationship of any kind. A friendship, a romantic relationship, a work partnership, anything.
However, many people struggle with openly communicating their ideas and opinions to others. Today I want to focus on a tip for communicating and how to effectively resolve conflicts more quickly and with less pain involved.
It's honestly really simple. When you're frustrated or upset about something, talk to the person you're upset with, not anyone else. That goes for work questions too. Don’t ask Gary what Mike would think about an issue - ask Mike what Mike would think about the issue.
Let's read a passage from Gay Hendricks' book, The Big Leap. On page 192, he says, "Put a priority on speaking the microscopic truth, especially about what is going on in your emotions. Get skilled at simple microscopic truths such as, "I’m sad," "I’m scared," and "I feel angry." Communicating about feelings, dreams, desires, and other inner experiences creates deep intimacy in relationships. None of us gets any training in how to communicate about these simple things, and our lack of training is very costly."
It's a simple and straightforward strategy for resolving conflicts, but I think it's often way overlooked and forgotten. Like Hendricks' says, we don't have classes in school on how to talk with people or how to communicate in certain ways. At least when I was in school. Maybe you'll learn it in the business school in university for how to persuade people so that you sell more things, but I’m talking about when you're a kid and when you learn how to react to other people's emotions and behaviors.
Childhood is the prime time for creating habits and good behaviors. Kids need be taught that good communication is essential and that their emotions are real and valid.
As growing beings, many of us are not taught these basic strategies of communication and emotion when we're young in school or by our parents, and we end up with a bunch of people who are unconsciously stuffing their emotions down their pants and then getting all angsty and confused at why they're feeling a certain way, resulting in more anger and frustration and projecting those negative feelings onto other people without realizing why.
For me, there were a lot of times when I was confused or upset with someone, but I didn't tell them. I kind of just held it in and never let it out, until I bursted with anger suddenly on some days. It was incredibly frustrating, but I didn't realize what was happening. The solution was clear: I simply should've talked with someone, and specifically the person I was upset with (this prob won’t work for more extreme situations, like bullying, where you just might get much more benefit from asking for help from a professional or someone outside of the situation).
But for you readers who are experiencing conflicts with friends, family, co-workers, or partners, don't be afraid to dig deep into why you're upset and how you can communicate that to someone else. It can be just as simple as telling your partner, "I'm sad." and this first step will get the conversation started.
The people that are willing to listen and work with you through the issues are worth having around. They will be the ones who have your back and support you through the ups and downs, but it all starts with good communication and saying what you're truly feeling.
